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Jane's Top Ten List for Single Parenting

Jane Tomesch’s Top Ten List may not make it to late-night television. But her ten commonsense goals for single parenting resonate with humor, pathos, and hard-fought wisdom.

Ten years, she marvels. Ten years ago, Jane packed up two small sons — ages four and seven — and moved from Texas back to the family farm in Iowa. Her marriage over, she needed to start from scratch. She set her sights on the basics: “A house, a routine with school, a job so that I could support my kids on my own, a place to ride bikes…”

It was hardly a matter of courage. “What choice do you have?” she reflects. “You can feel sorry for yourself. Or you can just face the facts. It’s all a matter of attitude.”

In 1997, Jane could hardly imagine sharing a Top Ten List for Single Parenting at St. Paul. But here she is, her strong and witty perspective embedded in a Power-Point presentation, with an openness for helping others.

Early on, youngest son Zach got into a playground scuffle with a boy who ended the battle with this zinger: “At least I have two parents at home who love me.” That hurt. “One of my first goals was to be a normal family,” Jane recalls. But what was normal? “I remember envying normalcy,” she says. Gradually, the Tomesch family has found a “new normal” as a family of three. A year from now, with oldest son Alex in college, normal will be two. Normal is a moving target.

“When the kids were little, I would go to bed at night, close my eyes, immediately fall asleep, wake up to my alarm clock, and swear it had just been 10 minutes. I was exhausted. It’s scary in the beginning, not having the resources you need. It was really hard. There were a lot of budgets. But you just get in there and do it. You keep going.”

God gives Jane the strength to keep going. “I do believe in prayer. When I first moved back to Iowa and started coming to St. Paul,” she marvels, “every sermon had a message for me that kept me going.” She was newly open for God. When she had no money for child-care, a friend simply said, “Jane, I’ll do it.” Jane knew this was “a blessing, a sign from God.”

In daily parenting demands, Jane has had no one to turn to but herself. “When the chain broke on a bicycle, we’d fix it. When I taught the kids to mow the lawn, I showed them how to put gas and oil in the mower, to prime the pump, and make sure the settings were right.”

The farm ethic of Jane’s Scott County youth stood by her well. She had learned to work hard, take on responsibility for chores, show cattle at the county fair. She translates that ethic into her life with Alex and Zach. Leaves need raking? House need cleaning? The guys know that life together is a group project.

Jane dropped the standards for household perfection — but she didn’t lower her expectations for the boys’ accomplishments. The Tomesch household boasts an Eagle Scout and a Life Scout, honor roll students, an all-state musician, kids active in the church youth group.

Parenting at any level is a challenge, she observes. But when it’s just you, when there’s no supportive spouse, you’d better be “confident and convincing with your decisions from the start. Like wild animals, children can sense fear!” she laughs.

Some of her humor, Jane admits, can be “a blanket to cover up the sadness in uncomfortable situations.” But with a light touch, she chooses to be positive. And humor keeps her in touch with her kids’ world. She’s willing to risk her self-respect for a wild electronically-driven game of Guitar Hero which will leave all three “rolling on the ground in laughter.”

As Jane has grown in confidence and strength, she wanted to “give back.” She got involved in church and school activities. She might be “single,” but Jane teams up with others in positive ways.

Now offers to St. Paul people her Top Ten List for Single Parenting. #7: Keep Things in Perspective. “It has been difficult. But I’ve got great kids, and I’m really proud of what I’ve done without a lot of help.” A coach by nature, Jane adds, “If I can help put things in perspective for others, that’s what it’s all about.”

Interested in all 10 commonsense goals for single parenting? Jane is open to connecting with other St. Paul single parents in a regular way. Contact her:

Jane Tomesch,

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"Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go." ~Mother Teresa